I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Buying a well is money well spent.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.