I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
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how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns