Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs