I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it myself.

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It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only


I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone


*Holds door for woman
*Slams door in her boyfriend’s face


Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.


*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM


Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.


Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much


Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!