I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time