It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only
I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it myself.
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
*Holds door for woman
*Slams door in her boyfriend’s face
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!