I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
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30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.