Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*