Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

It’s a gift