Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

😂🥴

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.