Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

#parenting

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

We’ve all been there

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.