“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT