Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes