Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

This is hilarious….

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did