I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
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siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
This fish is cracking me up
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I’d hang this in my house.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.