Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

☠️ ☠️

it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?