I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
haha same
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
What my back needs
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
This is my cat’s medicine.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.