I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
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You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.