[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
You Might Also Like
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae