I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
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Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.