Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

I have a new favorite meme page

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

superman landing like a plane on his belly

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.