I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
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I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way