I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
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My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.