Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

#catsoftwitter

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired