@SmartassChef

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

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@hotdogsladies

Whenever our neighbor’s dog is barking, I know there’s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.

@ChicksRule

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

@thongbeard

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

@tweeterreader36

To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn’t tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It’s on!!

@FudgeRobot

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

@STitusR

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

@GrowlyGrego

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

@McGunnersite

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.