I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
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My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Finally!
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.