I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
You Might Also Like
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Roombas should bark
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.