I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
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Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Breaking news:
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
me after i passed that state trooper