I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
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[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to