I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
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If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…