Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

how to market bottled water to dads

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

men are simple creatures