I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
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a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
These are my emotional support Pringles.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
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Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes