Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

my lower back watching me try to live my life

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.