Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

Awwwww shit.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

how do y’all walk in shallow water

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.