I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
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Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.