I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
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The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup