I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
found this cool rock hiking today
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.