I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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Still my favourite meme.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
(Musicians.)
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.