I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
You Might Also Like
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
bias laundering edition
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Oh, I bet you would be
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today