I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns