Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.