I want to meet the individual who made this
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[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?
Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”