Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

😂🍻

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??