I want to meet the individual who made this
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I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
This is me
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
The first one, obviously
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*