Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know