I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
The cycle continues
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Attacked by a mop.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes