I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK