Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

A great first step 😂

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.