I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
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Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
“i am a sweet baby”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs