I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
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It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Are we there yet?…
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Not helping
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.