I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
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My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
what could possibly go wrong?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
back to work
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
not to brag, but mine was free
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
multitasking lunch
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.