I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
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Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.