I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
You Might Also Like
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss