I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
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If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.