@prufrockluvsong

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

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@Garbage404

Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.

@jacksfilms

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

@GrantTanaka

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

@VisionBored1

Friend: I’m glad I have more time to spend with those I love

Me: same I spent the morning with Dyson so I could spend the rest of the day with Jack

Friend: those aren’t your kids’ names

Me, drunk in my clean house: I don’t understand your point

@Dustinkcouch

Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell

Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays

@Goofpoops

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

@BoomBoomBetty

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.