Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.