@prufrockluvsong

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

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@GoldenSpirals

My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.

@rockymomax

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

@shkeeber

You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren.

@Jennuflect

[having sex]
Mmm…do that thing I like
“Uh…right now?”
Yes! Y’know I love it
“OK *kermit the frog voice* Yaaaay!”
Oh god. Now flail your arms

@ComedicBust

[First Date]

Me: Wanna check out the local garden?

Her: That sounds amazing.

[arriving at Olive Garden]

Me: Damn, it’s busier than usual

@MoosePunch

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

@torahhorse

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

@Darchstar078

Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.

@nerdsrockk

When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.