I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

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Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.


So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay


someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend


Friend: I’m glad I have more time to spend with those I love

Me: same I spent the morning with Dyson so I could spend the rest of the day with Jack

Friend: those aren’t your kids’ names

Me, drunk in my clean house: I don’t understand your point


Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell

Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays


In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.


The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.