I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
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I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here