I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag