I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
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Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”