Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

finally

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

somewhere, in an alternate universe