Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”