Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.