I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
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Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Feels like the fourth month in January
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.