Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

Many hands make light work

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

God has left this place

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that