I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
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Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
How actors in movies eat their food
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet