I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
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Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*