I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
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okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN