“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
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On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
necessity is the mother of invention
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME