“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
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If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I gave up going to work for lent.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.