Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?