I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
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I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
all that yoga finally paid off
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.