I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
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Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
My humor is broken
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home