I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
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HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
My Plans 2020
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
My last name is Zilla.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it