I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
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How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
*offers Batman cough drops*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.