Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving up for Lent.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

I WON A HAM TODAY

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.