Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

inventing words: clothing

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

Spell check is for lasers.

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

😆this is so true

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.