“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
(more comics:
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I basically called this earlier today
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
