I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
You Might Also Like
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”