Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

Perfect.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.